


Struggling

by CourtNicxVoltronxYJ



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Keith & Shiro (Voltron) are Siblings, Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith has an eating disorder, Keith has anxiety, Keith has depression, M/M, Protective Shiro (Voltron), Sad Keith (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:40:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23437081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ/pseuds/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ
Summary: Keith is struggling. He trying to keep it all the same, do everything like normal but it all is getting worst and eventually he can't keep it all hidden forever.
Relationships: Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith & Shiro (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 161





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say if you struggle with any of these mental illnesses please be safe when reading this or any of my works. I don't want to trigger anyone at all! For me, when I am feeling bad and super low and down I go out and search for these types of fics, I want to read fics where my fave characters are struggling like me, having them cutting or struggling with their eating disorder makes me feel less alone but it can also trigger me and i do it sometimes to hurt myself. So i just want whomever reads this to just try to be careful, okay?
> 
> :)

The halls of the castle still glowed their nightly glow for the night cycle as Keith left the training deck. He sighed as he made his way to the kitchen. The doors slowly slid open and he froze in the doorway. Standing in the barely lit kitchen was Lance. He turned around quickly and hid a container behind his back.

"Oh...it's just you" said Lance.

"Yeah, _just_ me" said Keith as he walked slowly into the room and grabbed the smallest water pouch there was, he didn't want to take the large ones because he didn't want to waste it on himself.

"Soo...what are you doing up?" questioned Lance as he slid the container back into the fridge like thing, after taking one more of whatever was in it out.

"Training'' Keith stated and took a sip of his water and turned to leave but before he could get too far, a hand stopped him. He flinched at the touch, which he hated himself for. He has been trying to get himself to stop that for sometime now. Keith saw the way Lance pulled his hand back away from him as if he was the one who felt the pin and needles running through his skin.

"Keith-" began Lance.

"Don't." Keith said and before Lance could get another word out, he was already out the door and walking down the hall. He glanced at the training deck for a second, his mind telling him that he should go back out there and train. A piece of himself feeling like he needed to punish himself for the way he just was with Lance. Keith closed his eyes. He knew thinking that way wasn't going to fix anything and it wasn't going to make him feel any better. So he shook his head and kept going to his room. He needed a shower and to catch a few hours of sleep before it was time to get up.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The warm water was beating gently down upon his tired and sore skin in a soothing rhythm. He stood in the stream of the warm water for a while, losing track of time.

Eventually, Keith's legs were growing tired and numb so he quickly turn the water off with some force behind it. He stepped out, grabbing a towel for his hair and one for his body. His violet eyes sadly caught a glimpse of himself within the fogged up mirror. He always tries his best to avoid it. The mirror.  
Keith sighs and makes his way to the mirror.

He doesn't really need to look into the mirror, he just simply has to look down at his own skin to see the disgusting-ness that is there. He brushes his hand quickly over the cool glass and looks down at his pale skin. Down at his fat skin. Down at his scars, some that were put there by others and some that were put there by himself. He touches his wrist, touches the last scar, the one were he tried to kill himself and closes his eyes. And he for a moment is taken back to that time, but without even knowing it Keith digs his nails into that scar. Revisiting that memory and revisiting that pain and darkness. When a sharp pain run through him, it shocks him back to the now and he looks down at what he has done. Anger flows over him. His arm is red, sore and close to bleeding.

Keith yanks the towel from his head and throws it. He is so angry that he wants to punch the mirror but he knows inside that he'll just be hurting himself more and if he sees that broken bits of that glass right now, there is no telling if he will be able to stop himself from cutting right now. With angered steps he moves out of the bathroom and into his room, he gets dressed and shuts the lights off in his room, shutting him in complete darkness. He crumbles upon his bed and curls up into a tight and little ball. Keith hides his head in his knees, his arms wrapped tightly around them and the blanket completely covering him. A piece of himself just really wants to at this point to disappoint. He closes his eyes and allows his tired and worn out body to drag him off to sleep, it will only be a few hours he knows. He spent most of the entire evening in the training deck but he just couldn't sleep, he was feeling too much of the anxiety crawling up his back, plus the edge of an attack along with a nightmare of his past. He couldn't sleep and the training deck was his only answer.

\------------------------------------------------------------

The crashing sound of thunder in his dream sends Keith sitting up in his bed, panting for air. He glances around his room and tries to calm down his breathing.

 _"I'm in the castle. I'm in the castle. I'm safe"_ he tells himself as he breaths.

Keith runs a hand through his hair before tossing the blanket off of himself. He grabs his knife before heading for the door. He makes his way to the dinning room even though he knows that he isn't going to eat, he doesn't feel up to it. He just isn't in the right head space right now. Last night was a mess and today doesn't seem to be any better so why making things worst by forcing himself to eat. But he has to keep the act up so he doesn't tip Shiro off, for Shiro is the only one in this place that truly knows Keith and his issues.  
Keith has major depression, an eating disorder and anxiety along with childhood trauma from growing up in many foster homes that weren't the best. 

Keith makes it to the dinning room and everyone else is already there. Pidge, Shiro and Lance all glance over at him when the doors slides open, allowing him in. Pidge nods their head in their way of say 'Good Morning' as they go back to typing on their computer.

"Morning Keith" says Shiro with a smile.

Keith smiles back and his eyes meets Lance's and he sees lance give him a small smile but not one of his bright ones. His ocean blue eyes linger a little bit longer before they look away and Keith knows it is because of what went on last night but he doesn't do anything to bring it up. He goes over to where Hunk is.

"Hi Keith'' says Hunk as he scoops some kind of something out of a large pot and plops in down into a small bowl. He hands it to Keith with a smile. "Thanks" Keith says as he takes it.  
He sits a seat away from Lance and stares down at whatever is in the bowl, then he looks up at everyone else. "It tastes like oatmeal...kinda'' Lance says in a hush tone next to him and Keith kinda jumps at his voice. Keith nods his head and moves the spoon around but never brings it up towards him mouth. Coran and Allura are sat at one end of the table talking to each other, eating and drinking some Altean tea. Pidge is beside Shiro as they shovel the oatmeal like food into their mouth while they type at not human like speed on their computer. Shiro is eating and joining the conversation with Hunk and Lance who are on the same side of the table as Keith. Keith looks around, he tunes out all the sounds and just watches. Everyone is happy and okay. None of them notice him or care that something maybe not okay. Shiro is smiling, Lance is laughing and Pidge is now pointing their finger at them. Keith smiles a sad smile, he feels so alone right now even though he is in a full room with all the people he cares about. He slowly stands up and makes his way towards the trash can. He scraps the food into, walks to the sink and makes his way to the exit. He looks back over his shoulder before he leaves to see if anyone has notice but sadly they haven't, anyhow why would they? He's the loner, the outcast. Always has been and always will be. He's nothing special, he's not worth anything, he is only important when and where he can be useful. They don't need him fighting or piloting right now, so there is absolutely no need for him. Keith sighs and leaves. He makes his way to the only place where he can be useful at, the training deck. He needs to make himself good enough for them so that he doesn't keep letting them down. Keith closes his eyes for a second. His mind going down a dark path and he feels the darkness creeping up inside him, he knows a depression episode is coming, it is going to swallow him up soon and take his fight. But right now he has to shove it back and push himself.

So he enters the training deck and begins to fight, not just the robots but his thoughts and self as well. Black spots began to fill his vision and he felt unsteady on his feet. His heart was pounding within his chest and he felt like his lungs couldn't catch a single breath of air. He didn't want to sit down or take a break, he began to pace around the room for a moment just trying to catch his breath before he start training up again. He was dizzy and felt like passing out and it sounded bad but Keith actually liked that feeling, it made him feel strong and proud of himself. He felt proud that he had pushed his weak and pathetic body, that he was making himself better. Keith drew in a deep breath as he pulled out his knife.

"Begin training simulation 15" Keith called out as he got into his fighting stance.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

"-ITH! KEITH!" Keith's eyes began to flutter open and right away shut from the blinding lights of the training deck. He heard someone voice and he cracked his opened his eyes slowly to see that the blinding lights were less now. He felt pressure on his shoulder and turned his head in that direction and saw a blurry sight of Lance.

'' 'ance?" question Keith, '' What... what 'appened?"

"I could ask you that mullet!" shouted Lance and Keith closed his eyes at the noise. "We don't have time for this" shouted someone who sounded like Pidge.

The next thing he knew was that he felt like he was being lifted up and pain was being shot throughout his whole body. Keith hissed in pain and tried to push whomever was holding him to put him back down, he was much better off on the ground, less pain. "I'm sorry buddy, but we gotta get you to the med bay" said someone in a nervous voice and Keith opened his eyes to see Hunk's face above him.

"Hunk" whispered Keith before a sharp pain flared up in his side and he cried out and curled up into Hunk's chest.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry" Hunk spoke as he moved faster down the hallway. Keith opened his eyes and looked around, he hadn't even realized that they had made it to the med bay already. Hands were now upon him and he was weakly trying to push them off of him, his mind didn't understand what they were doing.

"Muller stop! We got to get the pod suit on ya" shouted Lance. Keith shook his head, no he tried to say but nothing came out. He pushed and kicked but that only caused more pain and he cried out, and more black spots came. "Shiro!" Keith shouted as he pushed hands away. He wanted Shiro, he wanted his big brother.

"Pidge went to go find him and Allura. It's going to be okay. Keith it's....Yes Coran hold on" Hunk said. He felt the cool air hit his skin and he scrunched up his face and he tried to curl up into a ball. He was in pain and he just wanted to hide. "H-Hunk" Lance said and Keith felt his breath freeze within his chest as he knew they found them. _"They found them! They found them, they hate you! They hate you!! You Are Disgusting!"_ Keith's thoughts screamed at him. Tears began to pour down his face and his chest tighten even more. He couldn't breathe. "Boys!" Shouted Coran.

"Keith?!" Cried Shiro as he exploded into the room. He made a bee line to the table, Hunk and Lance just moved as Shiro pulled Keith to his chest. "Breathe Ototo (little brother), breathe" Shiro said as he cradled Keith, running his human hand down his back and the other holding his head. Keith was having an anxiety attack right now and Shiro needed to calm him down so he could get him into the pod so he could heal. "Breathe I got you, it's okay" whispered Shiro. It took a few moments but finally Keith's breathing returned to normal. Shiro quickly got Keith dressed in the pod suit, he carried him over to the pod and placed him inside. The door closed quickly on Keith and his pained and worried face relaxed as the fog covered the glass.

Shiro sighed and placed his hand upon the glass and a single tear fell from his eye.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is in the pod and Shiro sits the others down and speaks with them a little bit, even though he knows Keith wouldn't want what he is telling them to be shared but in this situation, it needs to be addressed.

The med bay was completely silent. No one knew what to say or do. Everyone stood around, watched and waited to see what Shiro would do next. After a bit, Lance couldn't stand it any longer and took a step forward. Hunk shook his head 'no' but Lance ignored his best friend.

"Shiro..." called out Lance but he said no more and just waited for him to respond. Shiro sighed and slowly moved away from the pod that was holding Keith in it. Shiro turned to face everyone with a sad look upon his face. He walked forwards towards them and gave one last glance over his shoulder at Keith before he began to speak to them.

"How much....how much did you see?'' Shiro asked. Lance looked over at Hunk who looked horrible for seeing what he saw.

"Keith was passed out on the training deck and the simulation was still on and he was being beaten by the training bots'' said Pidge but Shiro shook his head, for that wasn't what he was asking for. Lance and Hunk knew what he was asking for though.

"Just...Just his arms" said Lance who met Shiro's eyes for a moment and looked away. Shiro nodded his head then moved back over towards the pod. "Shiro are those...um you know...um..." began Lance, he didn't want to come right out and say it because of part of him just really couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, they are'' said Shiro so calmly. Hunk gasped beside him and Pidge began asking Hunk questions. Lance moved away to go stand next to Shiro. Lance didn't really know what to say or do in this type of situation but he knew in his heart that leaving Shiro alone right now wasn't the answer.

Before Lance could say or do anything, Coran came over with his tablet. "Oh!" he said. "It appears that Number 4 is very dehydrated and starved. He currently has that whatever you Humans call it umm... a fever, that's it. It's a high one. He has three broken ribs, a concussion, a sprained ankle and wrist but he shall be fine in a Quintant or two" said Coran.

"Thank you Coran" said Shiro.

"Of course my boy" Coran said and patted Shiro on the shoulder before leaving the room. 

"I'll try to find us a quiet place to stay for a tic while Keith rests" Allura says and Shiro just nods his head, not taking his eyes off of Keith.

The paladins in the room say quiet, just looking at their strong, fire friend who looks so sad and tried before them.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Time passes slowly by with nothing really going by until Shiro calls everyone to the lounge. Everyone comes in and they all can feel how heavy the air is.

"Thanks for coming'' said Shiro.

"Of course. What is this about Shiro?" Allura said.

Shiro's eyes met Lance's for a moment before he ran his human hand through his white fluff of hair.   
"I...I want to go over what's going on with Keith and to do that, I have to tell you about his past. Something he will be so mad at me for telling you'' Shiro said. He sat down before everyone and looked at all of them.

"First, what happened today with Keith. Coran said he was dehydrated and starved. It wasn't because he just forgot to eat and drink, Keith has an eating disorder. And I should have noticed sooner''said Shiro.

"It's not your fault Shiro" said Lance.

"What's an eating disorder?" asked Allura.

"It's many things really, but to put it down, it is were someone struggles with food and their weight. Their are different kinds of eating disorders and struggles with each one. So for Keith I'm guess since he was very starved, according to Coran, his mind wouldn't allow him to eat. His mind was telling him that if he ate, that would be bad or something. Right?" said Pidge who looked over at Shiro who nodded his head. Allura looked sad.

"Oh poor Keith'' whispered Allura.

Shiro sighed. "Okay, now Keith never knew his mother, his father died when he was 6 years old and he went into foster care from there on out.'' 

At this point Coran and Allura asked what foster care was and Hunk told them. Shiro got up and paced the room. Lance could see the worry he carried for Keith written so deeply within his eyes. After a bit he came back over to continue with Keith's past. Shiro began to tell them that some of the foster homes weren't the best and Keith went through child abuse, which had to be explained to the Alteans again, followed by what was depression, anxiety, panic attacks and self harm. At the end of it, Shiro'e eyes met everyone eyes and each one had tears in them, for they had a new look and understanding of their teammate, their friend.

Hunk was cleaning the tears off his face while Pidge laid against his chest. Allura with tears held in her eyes leaned against Coran who was shaking his head at the unbelievable things that happened within Keith's life. Lance was leaning forward, his arms rested on his knees, his eyes glued onto the floor. He was lost in thought, his mind just going over everything Shiro just told them.

"I'm going to go check on Keith" said Shiro who stood up and left everyone to the deadly silence of the lounge. One by one everyone began to get up and leave but not Lance. His mind was too busy and it wasn't due to his ADHD, no it was his mind going over everything. Everything he has said or done to Keith. All their interactions, all Keith's reactions and behaviors. Guilt was twisting tightly within his chest. They weren't rivals at all, Keith never ever thought he was better than him. Keith was just fighting to stay alive and to make it through the day and here he was making jokes and making the day worst for him. Lance sighed and flopped backwards on the couch. 

"Dammit" Lance said, "I'm an idiot.''   
One thing Lance knew for sure was he was going to make it up things up for Keith. Because they were friends and Keith was his secret crush and maybe, just maybe Lance could be kind enough to him and show him true love and happiness for the first time in his life.


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith comes out of the pod. The team has a bonding moment and Keith and Lance share a moment with one another.

There was something that everyone in the castle seemed to agree on, Keith was their friend and they were going to be there for him no matter what.

Hunk was keeping himself busy in the kitchen making so many different kinds of foods, some in hopes that Keith will try when he gets up. Pidge was busy in the Green Lion hanger or their lab working on bracelets for each team member. These bracelets could detect if your heart rate increased, you got injured, your breathing levels, if you had a fever, etc. Shiro had finally left the pod and was with Allura on the bridge. Coran was off in the corner of the med bay going over some medical information on humans that both Pidge and Shiro gave him.\

And Lance, he was sitting by the pod while Keith slept quietly inside. He was due to come out later tonight. Him and Hunk had already set up the lounge as a nest, as best as they could with pillows and blankets everywhere. Lance just hopped that Keith would join them and not be too upset with them all for knowing about his scars and his secrets.

All of a sudden a beep sounded off and Lance jumped onto his feet. The pod began to open and before Lance could yell for Coran, Keith fell limply into Lance's arm.

"Keith?" Lance said and looked down at him. He wasn't moving, he wasn't waking up. Suddenly, Coran was at Lance's side and was helping Lance pull Keith to the table so he could check him out. Coran was saying something but to Lance he just couldn't hear any of it. His whole self was just focused on Keith.

_"Why wasn't he waking up? Why was he already out of the pod? What's wrong?"_ Lance's thoughts were racing through his mind.  
Then they all stopped when he saw Keith's eyes being to flutter open. Lance moved closer towards Keith and grabbed Keith's hand that was freezing cold to the touch, so cold that it burned at the touch but he didn't pull away. Keith squeezed Lance's hand.

The warmth of the hand holding his was calming his heart rate. Keith slowly opened his eyes, it was bright in the room but he wanted to know where he was so he pushed forward no matter what. Everything at first was blurry but after a couple of blinks things began to become much clearer. Keith could hear voices but he couldn't make out what was being said. He turned his head towards the loudest voice by him and his eyes landed on a ocean blue color. He tried to focused his eyes more and he finally could see what or who it was. It was Lance.

"Lance...''whispered Keith and a small smile graced his face. He closed his eyes and squeezed the hand holding his again. He felt an overwhelming wave of being safe. He just laid there, quickly drifting off again for he felt all of his energy was completely drained out of him.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone rushed into the med bay as soon as Coran's voice came shouting on the intercom saying that Keith had awoken. No one was prepared for that, he wasn't supposed to be out until that night, so hearing that shocked everyone. The first to the med bay was Shiro, followed by Pidge.

Questions were being thrown all over the room as Coran and Pidge went to Keith to run scans and stuff. Shiro stood on the others side of Keith and glanced at Lance for a moment.

The second Keith began to wake up, Shiro sighed in relief. And Shiro watched with such happiness in his eyes at Keith being with Lance. For this was Keith without his walls up. This was his little brother who was holding his heart out, showing his crush for Lance freely. Shiro looked at Lance and he couldn't help the smile that came across his face for it seems like Lance was finally at the point of revealing to Keith that he had feelings for him.

"Thanks for being here for him" said Shiro and Lance looked up quickly.

"Of course, we're a team'' said Lance, who looked back down at Keith and smiled.

''I hope you'll keep being there for him'' Shiro said. Lance looked up confused. "He likes you. A lot. He isn't going to come out and say it, he fears being rejected and made fun of. And that's because of his past. But he does like you and I think you like him too, am I right?" Shiro said. A blush dusted across Lance's tan skin as he bit his bottom lip. Inside he was kinda flipping out because Shiro basically just told him that his crush like him! He didn't think that it was ever going to be possible, not the amazing and great Keith Kogane. Lance didn't see himself being nothing special for Keith to like but Shiro just said he does and everything is like exploding right now inside Lance, he is freaking out. Then he realizes that he is holding Keith's hand right now.

Lance looks up at Shiro.

"Yeah, I like him a lot too, have for awhile. I think that I created this whole rivalry thing because of my feelings for him. I just didn't understand them all the way'' said Lance and Shiro nods his head.

They stand there in silence for a few moments before Coran comes over saying that Keith will be completely alright. He'll just need to get some food into him but other than that, he is all okay. Coran hooks up an IV with some fluids and then Shiro carries Keith's small and weak form towards the lounge were the nest is set up. Everyone settles down as Pidge places a movie on for them to watch. Keith's head is resting upon Shiro's chest. Lance is sitting right beside Keith's other side, Pidge is by Keith's feet, Hunk is next to Lance. They are sitting and enjoying the movie when Keith slowly begins to wake up.

His eyes flutter open and he moves his head to look up to see whom he is laying upon.

"Hey'' says Shiro.

"Hi" Keith whispers. He turns his head to look around and sees the others. Confused is what washed over his face but before he could voice why he was confused, Lance answers for him. "We're having a movie night, a bonding moment mullet after you scared us all.'' Lance turned towards him and smiled. Lance moved a inch closer and pulled the blanket up higher on Keith's shoulder then laid his head on his shoulder. Lance knew this was a huge and brave step for Keith could yell at him to get off, hit him but no, Keith doesn't do any of that. He allows Lance to lay his head upon his shoulder and then the next thing he knows he sees a pale hand laying out beside him and Lance just takes it. It isn't much but it is just enough for now.

Lance and everyone knows that Keith waking up is just the first step to all of this, to all of his struggles but they are all going to be there and they are going to help him along the way.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how far this is going to go, how many parts. I don't know. I haven't wrote in awhile because I simply haven't had the energy to do it or time with my job.  
> Now do to what's going on in the world with this virus, i'm stuck at home, feeling so lonely, worthless, not wanted and just spinning down a dark hole, not to mention dealing with verbal and emotional abuse at home from family. I haven't hurt myself in awhile now but I've felt the itch to recently, my eating disorder has been bothering me and I just i don't know, i just needed to put some of this crap somewhere and sadly Keith has been the unlucky fellow for all my suffer to land upon.


End file.
